Solicitors

We all know the quip: What do you call 100 solicitors at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. Now, let me say this from the outset: I am in no way lawyerist; I'm live-and-let-live to all humankind as much as the next person. But honestly - what do these people spend their years at law school learning? Definitely not time management - only builders have a worse reputation, and my solicitor took two months just to obtain one signature from the vendor. Certainly not organisation - after four months of involvement in my land purchase my solicitor waited until the day we completed to ask me for my bank details (which, of course, incurred further delays). Perhaps they learn how to be (a) elusive, (b) disdainful of 'civilians' (i.e. non legal humans) and (c) experts in fudging the truth.

Gasp! you say. Libel! you smirk. Probably. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. They're all the same, but like other halves you can't live with them can't live without them. Mortgage lenders won't deal with you directly - probably because they've all formed strong friendships with the legal eagles as they all went to the same don't-have-a-clue-about-time-management-and-become-an-expert-in-stretching-out-the-conveyancing-process school. And have you ever tried to do your own local searches on a property? No one will give you the time of day unless you have LLB written after your name.

I say it's all part of the global plot to discredit the person in the street. No one's allowed to do anything anymore unless they're a 'specialist'. Seriously. I'm waiting for someone to come along and fire me from motherhood because I don't have a degree in it. I've hired the one builder who didn't laugh when I told him I wanted to do much of the physical work and all of the project management myself.

I also wanted to do my own conveyancing. But that, sigh, is another story.